What's wrong with a little distance?

I never thought I would end up in a situation like this again, and to be honest after a very bitter experience, I vowed that I wouldn't make that mistake again. But now, here we are, late night phone calls and online chat sessions with, lets face it, a person who I'll probably never have the opportunity to meet.


I like to think of myself as an optimist, but these days, realism is a state of mind that I find myself more often than not. It's a nice idea to think, that many hundreds of miles away, there lies a person who could be just perfect for me. He could ultimately end my search for love and companionship. But I can't help but to think that whatever we have, whatever we share, might not ever be more than just that.

A long time ago, when I was very young and naive to love, I found myself in this exact situation. I met a very charming, and handsome Jewish boy whom I fell very hard for. We spent many months getting to know one another, and eventually it got pretty serious. He met my mother and spoke with her on numerous occasions. He even made plans to visit me. But sadly enough, none of that happened. Our relationship ended in the subways of Montreal, in the arms of another woman. I had invested so much of myself, only to be left with a broken heart.

With that in mind, I can't help but take all of this with a grain of salt. While I'm not expecting this to be my happily ever after, I wouldn't mind if it was.


This boy, he makes me feel things I haven't felt in a very long time. His smile and his laugh. The way he says my name with his alluring, low-pitched strong and vivid voice. All of him brings out something inside of me. Whatever it is, it makes my heart happy, and brings a smile to my face. I like the way I feel when I'm around him.

I wish, that for just this once, something in my life would turn out the way I would like it to. I want to meet him, even as impossible that might be right now. I want to meet his friends and family. I want to know more about him, and I want to hear the rest of his stories, and maybe just maybe, we'll make a few of our own.

So while the realist inside of me wants to deny the possibility of this happening, optimism is slowly taking over and winning the battle. 

Just a thought

Sometimes, I feel like I'm writing this blog just for myself, as it doesn't appear that I have much of a following. But I guess even if it's just for myself, then it's all right. It's interesting to read back on previous entries over the years, to see how much I've changed, but yet still remained the same.

The same in the sense that I'm still alone in this journey of life. A time will come when I'll find the one right for me, and until that day comes, I'll have to be content with going though this journey alone.

Peace & Pie

Annie~

Commitment

Oh my, It certainly has been quite a while since I've written to you all! Too much time has past since my last entry, almost a year to be exact. I do apologize for the lack of postings, and from now on, I'll try my best to keep up.

Anyway, enough with all that, lets get on with today's topic.
What I would like to write about is commitment and my lack there of.

All my life I haven't been the most committed or ambitious person around, and I can only assume that this is one of the reasons as to why I'm still single today. The only person I can ever truly blame in this situation is myself. I never sought after a solution to my problems, and only became more complacent in my current day to day life. 

The truth is, I'm all but complacent. I would like nothing more than to change that aspect of my life. But I lack the motivation and drive to do so. I feel as if I don't have anything to strive for, no expectation to meet, and no goal to reach for at the end of the finish line.

Another problem that I face on a daily basis, is the fact that I'm overwhelmingly selfish in terms of my free time. I enjoy solitude in the sense that I can be locked up in my room for days, without a thought to the outside world. If I was to be in a relationship, how would I be able to overcome this? It's hard enough making time for my friends, let alone a boyfriend.

Which often leads me to wonder to myself, would it be possible to live a fulfilling life being the sort of person that I am today? Would I be able to come to accept the fact, that if my choices lead me to a life of solitude and loneliness, could I ever truly be happy? Just me, myself and I? 

While I do enjoy loneliness in a sense, I don't think I could build a meaningful life around it. Life is meant to be shared with those you choose to let in, and share with. Good times, bad times, and everything else in between. I have those people who I've let in, and yet, I can't shake the feeling that something else is missing. 

I think that a vital part of living, is to experience the unconditional love that comes along with life. You get your first taste of what it's like to be loved when you're younger, but as you grow, something changes inside your heart, and you feel the need to find love in others. 

As much as I fear it, I need to change. I need to find my motivation just as much as I need to be committed, even if it's just for me.

Until next time, 

Peace & Pie.

Annie~

Lesbianism.

Seriously considering it at this point.

I mean honestly, how hard is it to find a decent man in this day and age? The vast majority of men I've come across lately are only interested in a 'No strings attached' relationship. 

I'm sorry.

But what happened to the days where men and women used to date? 

Have I missed the boat on that one?

Ugh!

No peace, No pie.

Just get out.

Bye.

Crush(ed)

I've been thinking about a lot of things as of late. I've been thinking about how much of a waste these past couple of months have been, on my part. I've been thinking that I shouldn't invest any more time and thought into what could have been. But then again, I feel that I'm delusional to even suggest that there was something there to begin with. I have a tendency, like most girls, to over analyse every word, look, smile and touch. Every social interaction. It must mean something, right?

Wrong.

I think about you more often then I'd like to admit. I think about your eyes, your smile, your voice. The way you walk, the way you talk. Your overzealous personality. That fire you have, burning deep down inside of you. I also think of the poor, weak creature you are sometimes. Your insecurities, your downfalls, and your bad habits. How you're not as strong of a person you make yourself out to be.

I often think about how I would just like a chance to get to know you better. I would like to hear more about your life up until now. The stories that you've shared with me so far, have given me a good insight as to the person you are, and the person you wanted to be. I know you probably don't think much about me. And to be honest, you don't know very much about me either. I guess you've never been inclined to ask, and that's fine. My life probably isn't the most exciting thing to talk about. A naive, sheltered girl such as myself wouldn't have too many interesting stories to tell.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget. Forget all the pain and suffering I've needlessly put myself though. The long nights of lament. The questions I'm too afraid to find answers for. 'Does he like me? Will he realize how I feel? And what if he does? What am I to do after that? What if he doesn't feel the same?' I wish I had the courage, and the confidence to say the things I want to say. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel, just to get it out there. But I'm afraid. Afraid of  the hurt and rejection that lies around the corner. Like an old, unwanted friend waiting to waltz back into my life.

I want to forget. 

I was a much happier person not having of met you before I did.


I hope this doesn't come off as creepy in any way possible. It just felt good to put my thoughts and feelings down where nobody will really see it. If you do happen to find it, I'm sorry.

Nothing to say.

What's there to say, when you've said it all?

This probably means nothing now, but

I'm sorry. 

Shit got real, and I got scared. 

I guess now I'll just be someone you used to know. 

A year in review

As this year comes to a close, I would like to take this time to reflect and share with you all my experiences in 2011.

- January 2011 -

My year started with a gurgle, a burp and a burn that I couldn't quite explain. It started with a sense of dread and extreme nausea that wouldn't seem to pass. I couldn't bring myself to eat even the tiniest morsel of food even if the hunger in my belly was too much to bare. The sight of food was just simply revolting. I went a solid week without eating anything before I realized what was wrong with me. I had an extreme case of GERD brought on by excessive pop consumption. I vowed to to never drink pop again. A close family friend and a respected member of our community also passed away this month. RIP Joanne. We miss you every day!

I also started my GED classes this month.

-February 2011 -

One month into dealing with GERD. One month Pop free. Starting to feel a bit better, but not enough to have a healthy appetite. Nausea still plagued me. GED classes are going well. We celebrated my brothers 28th birthday.

-March 2011 -

Feeling back to my old self again. Dropped 60 pounds in the course of 3 months. Finally able to eat an entire meal with no fear of GERD symptoms. GED classes end. Went to take my test. Awaiting results. We also had a baby shower for Jaime and Little Alexa who has yet to greet us with her presence.

-April 2011 -

GED Results come back. Passed 4/5 classes with flying colours. Failed my math by one point. Are you freaking kidding me? Went to Burnt Church to do the retake. Stayed in a sleezy motel that was infested with ants. Had a blast.

-May 2011 -

Finally the day has come to meet our little bundle of joy. Little Alexa comes into the world. Went to a mothers day social with my mom, my sister and myself. It was great. Bonus, the weathers starting to get warmer, and there's no sign of snow!

- June 2011 -

Marks the 30th anniversary of the day our reserve was raided. I also Reconnected with the one person who meant the world to me. My dear friend Barry. We had a heart filled conversation, and cried my eyes out over the phone. Definitely the highlight of my year. The very next day I was kicked out of my house. Moved in with my sister.

- July 2011 -

Moved back home and made amens with my mom. Got hired at Metallics, and showed up late on my very first day. Also, this month marks the 50th anniversary of the J.C Vanhornne bridge. Also, Canada day!

- August 2011 -

Pow-wow time in Listuguj. Unfortunately due to my work schedule, I wasn't able to enjoy it fully.

- September 2011 -

My Nephew started Nursery! He also celebrated his 4th birthday. The weathers still warm, and tried to enjoy what was left of summer.

- October 2011 -

My Birthday. I turned 23 this year which made a real impact on my life. I realized that I'm getting older, and that I need to start getting my life in gear. I also became more active on my blog this month. My dad turned 55 this month!

- November 2011 -

My sister celebrated her 24th birthday this month. I've been working at metallics for 4 long months. Ate a lot of junk food, gained a lot of weight. 60 pounds to be exact. Woe is definitely me.

- December 2011 -

By far the most stressful month of them all. Christmas had me spent mentally and physically. My Mom celebrated her 50th birthday. A half a century!!

So, i guess that's my year in review. A lot of fun and exciting things happened in 2011. So many things that I'm thankful for. I hope 2012 will be just as good.

See you all in the new year!

Until next time, Peace and pie everyone!

~Annie

Ramblings

A few interesting things worth mentioning happened to me this past month. I guess they sort of relate to my quest in finding love and my place in the world.

I met this guy on a popular dating site called Plenty of fish a few weeks ago. He's nice, funny, sweet and charming. Everything I look for in a guy. We started chatting lightly for awhile, but up until recently it's become a little more serious. He wants to meet me in person, but I'm a little apprehensive about following through and meeting up with him.

I'm not sure what to expect if I do go out and meet him. We actually made plans to meet, but by the end of it I called it off citing that I would have been too busy that day. I think it might have put him off on me because our conversations haven't really been the same since.

Now that I think about it in retrospect, I'm pretty sure that I was just afraid to have been judged by him if I didn't meet his expectations. Rejection has become such a moving force in my life, that I base my daily social interactions around it.

I guess this is one aspect of myself that needs to be addressed before I can have any hopes of leading a successful and healthy relationship. But I mean, how would I even begin to fix these issues when I've been knocked down so hard in the past?

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Another story worth mentioning is an incident that happened a couple of weeks ago while at work. You see, I work at a local convenience store where I interact with a lot of different people.

Well, anyway there was this old man, who I would say was in about his early to mid 60's who came in to gamble on the poker machines. And every time this man would come, he would ask me these seemingly innocent questions. Stuff like "Oh what's your name?" "Do you work here often?"

I never really thought anything of it and would answer his questions. After awhile his questions got a little bit too personal. He eventually started asking me things like "Do you have a boyfriend, Are you Married, Do you have Children?" The way he would talk too would be in a sort of whisper where I would have to be close enough to him to hear it. I think he did this purposely so he could stare at my chest, WHICH I caught him doing a number of times..

Anyway, one day he comes in while I'm working, he sits down at the machines and starts talking to me. by this time, I'm only answering his questions with one word reply's. He then goes on to ask me if I was a shy girl, because every time he came in, I never really said much. I tell him yeah, that I'm just a little bit shy. And he says "Oh. I don't want to say too much then, but are you sexually active?" Oh boy, that really took the cake. I just looked at him, and walked away without answering.

It's crap like this that really makes me angry. I can't seem to attract the younger more age appropriate men. It's always the old, greasy gross me out kind of men who are always ogling me. Ugh.

So my question to you readers is, Have you ever had to deal with perverted old men at your work place? If so, what did you do about it? Leave me a comment, and tell me your story. Would like to know if anyone out there can relate to my experiences. Ahaha.

Well, I guess this is it concering my little update. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. And remember, if you like what you see, subscribe to me. Let me know you're reading!

Until next time

Peace&Pie everyone!

~Annie

Dear Santa

I won't ask for much this Christmas, I won't even't wish for snow.

Just some tender loving kisses, underneath the mistletoe.

Signed - Just another lonely girl.

The truth about relationships.

....

Late Bloomers Society

Greeting's everyone,

I would like to call attention to the first official meeting of the Late Bloomers Society.
I, Annie-Marie would like to welcome you to this very exclusive and prestigious society.
We at the Late boomers society just don't let anybody join, as you all may know. So I would like to take this time to congratulate each and everyone of you who made it through and endured the application process. Give yourselves a warm round of applause!

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Wait for it..
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It's coming...

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(Oh. I guess nobody showed up.)

What is this?! I can't even get people to show up to an exclusive event such as this one?!
What's this feeling welling up deep inside me?!

(Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.)

In real life, and on the internet I will always and forever remain forever alone!
Ahahaha, I'm kidding!

But I guess in writing this blog, I do feel a little alone. Is there anyone out there in the blog world who shares my lack luster love life? Is there anyone out there who is like me?!
IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE READING THIS BLOG?!

If you are, let me know! Don't be afraid to drop me a line, tell me how I'm doing or what I'm doing wrong. I'm always willing to learn from somebody else.


Anyway,
This is just a little something I decided to cook up for today.
I hope you enjoyed reading

Until next time
Peace and Pie everyone!
~Annie

Comming to terms.

So, It looks like it's been over a year since my last post on blogger and sadly enough, nothing much has changed. I'm still a Mad Native woman, with no love in my life. It's strange to think, with my 23rd birthday soon approaching (Oct-12th) That I'm still single.

What in the world am I doing wrong?! Or better yet, what is it that I'm NOT doing? Seriously, I've tried everything... From losing weight, to hitting up the clubs, and even trying the online dating scenes. Nothing! I'm starting to loose faith in the old saying "There's a cover to every pot."
If that's the case, WHERES MINE?!
I'm starting to boil over here.

(I'm clearly too hot to handle.)

Sometimes, I lay awake at night, cuddling my teddy bear and wonder to myself, "Is this it? I'm in the prime of my life, it doesn't get any better then this, as they say. And after a certain age, it all goes down hill. Is this it, Is this all I have to look forward to?"

I've heard it time and time again from friends who've been--or are in relationships, "You don't know how good you've got it. You're single, you have no Children. You can do anything. I wish I had that kind of freedom" All the while, I think to myself, "No-no, you don't know how good you have it. You have no idea how much I want what YOU have. " I never say it, because I don't want people to know as to how lonely really I am..

(Yep, this is me. Alone On the beach. Totally cliche, I know)

I tend to put up a strong front, that I'm okay with being single, when in reality, I'm not. I hate it. It's the worst feeling ever. I have nobody to come home to, to express my deepest feelings and desires to, nothing! Zip, nadda, zilch.

My friends to try to sympathize with me sometimes. It's nice and all, but I mean you can't really understand how I feel when you yourself haven't lead a life of constant rejection, and loneliness.

So, with that in mind, I'm thinking about starting a very exclusive club called the Late Bloomers society. That would be awesome. A room full of Sexually frustrated women who get together on a weekly basis to discuss their trials and tribulations in there latent love lives over tea and cake.

Who's game?

(Just me and a couple of my closest gal pals.)

Well Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed reading my thoughts so far.
I think I'll end it here for now.

Buuut I do have a question though for all of you out there reading this:
What do you think about the Late Bloomers Society?? How do you feel about JACKETS?!!

Until next time,
Peace and Pie everyone!!

~Annie

First of many.

A nice big hello to all of you who are reading my blog. Hopefully this will be the first of many entries to come. I am new to this whole blog scene and I hope you all enjoy the rants, raves and inner workings of my mind.

Well, where should I start. My name is Annie Marie and I am 21 years old. I'm currently living in Canada on a little native reservation on the gaspe pinnensula. I love to read, write and draw. I guess you can say I am a very creative person. I have a dog, her name is Timmy. She is currently the love of my life. For the simple reason that I have yet to find companionship in a human. So she'll have to do for now. Hahaha.

I've been single for most of my life. I have not had the luxury of knowing what it means to be loved by a man. Physically and emotionally. Yes, if you read that right I am a Virgin. I intend to stay that way until I find someone who I think is worthy of taking that away from me. I have many ideas for this blog. A Single girl's Diary. The Diary of a single 21 year old virgin. This should be interesting.

So I guess I have to start writing things that my readers can either relate to or find interesting. Well, alot of funny and interesting things happen to me in my life, that I would maybe like to share with you all in the future. So stick with me and I'll be sure to make you laugh atleast once.

So what does everybody think of the blogger who made it big time, PerezHilton? Would any of you like to reach the kind of success he's had in the blogger world? Leave me a message telling me what you think and I'll be sure to get back to you!!!

Anyway until next time.
Peace and pie everyone!!!
~Annie