Commitment

Oh my, It certainly has been quite a while since I've written to you all! Too much time has past since my last entry, almost a year to be exact. I do apologize for the lack of postings, and from now on, I'll try my best to keep up.

Anyway, enough with all that, lets get on with today's topic.
What I would like to write about is commitment and my lack there of.

All my life I haven't been the most committed or ambitious person around, and I can only assume that this is one of the reasons as to why I'm still single today. The only person I can ever truly blame in this situation is myself. I never sought after a solution to my problems, and only became more complacent in my current day to day life. 

The truth is, I'm all but complacent. I would like nothing more than to change that aspect of my life. But I lack the motivation and drive to do so. I feel as if I don't have anything to strive for, no expectation to meet, and no goal to reach for at the end of the finish line.

Another problem that I face on a daily basis, is the fact that I'm overwhelmingly selfish in terms of my free time. I enjoy solitude in the sense that I can be locked up in my room for days, without a thought to the outside world. If I was to be in a relationship, how would I be able to overcome this? It's hard enough making time for my friends, let alone a boyfriend.

Which often leads me to wonder to myself, would it be possible to live a fulfilling life being the sort of person that I am today? Would I be able to come to accept the fact, that if my choices lead me to a life of solitude and loneliness, could I ever truly be happy? Just me, myself and I? 

While I do enjoy loneliness in a sense, I don't think I could build a meaningful life around it. Life is meant to be shared with those you choose to let in, and share with. Good times, bad times, and everything else in between. I have those people who I've let in, and yet, I can't shake the feeling that something else is missing. 

I think that a vital part of living, is to experience the unconditional love that comes along with life. You get your first taste of what it's like to be loved when you're younger, but as you grow, something changes inside your heart, and you feel the need to find love in others. 

As much as I fear it, I need to change. I need to find my motivation just as much as I need to be committed, even if it's just for me.

Until next time, 

Peace & Pie.

Annie~

Lesbianism.

Seriously considering it at this point.

I mean honestly, how hard is it to find a decent man in this day and age? The vast majority of men I've come across lately are only interested in a 'No strings attached' relationship. 

I'm sorry.

But what happened to the days where men and women used to date? 

Have I missed the boat on that one?

Ugh!

No peace, No pie.

Just get out.

Bye.

Crush(ed)

I've been thinking about a lot of things as of late. I've been thinking about how much of a waste these past couple of months have been, on my part. I've been thinking that I shouldn't invest any more time and thought into what could have been. But then again, I feel that I'm delusional to even suggest that there was something there to begin with. I have a tendency, like most girls, to over analyse every word, look, smile and touch. Every social interaction. It must mean something, right?

Wrong.

I think about you more often then I'd like to admit. I think about your eyes, your smile, your voice. The way you walk, the way you talk. Your overzealous personality. That fire you have, burning deep down inside of you. I also think of the poor, weak creature you are sometimes. Your insecurities, your downfalls, and your bad habits. How you're not as strong of a person you make yourself out to be.

I often think about how I would just like a chance to get to know you better. I would like to hear more about your life up until now. The stories that you've shared with me so far, have given me a good insight as to the person you are, and the person you wanted to be. I know you probably don't think much about me. And to be honest, you don't know very much about me either. I guess you've never been inclined to ask, and that's fine. My life probably isn't the most exciting thing to talk about. A naive, sheltered girl such as myself wouldn't have too many interesting stories to tell.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget. Forget all the pain and suffering I've needlessly put myself though. The long nights of lament. The questions I'm too afraid to find answers for. 'Does he like me? Will he realize how I feel? And what if he does? What am I to do after that? What if he doesn't feel the same?' I wish I had the courage, and the confidence to say the things I want to say. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel, just to get it out there. But I'm afraid. Afraid of  the hurt and rejection that lies around the corner. Like an old, unwanted friend waiting to waltz back into my life.

I want to forget. 

I was a much happier person not having of met you before I did.


I hope this doesn't come off as creepy in any way possible. It just felt good to put my thoughts and feelings down where nobody will really see it. If you do happen to find it, I'm sorry.