Just a thought

Sometimes, I feel like I'm writing this blog just for myself, as it doesn't appear that I have much of a following. But I guess even if it's just for myself, then it's all right. It's interesting to read back on previous entries over the years, to see how much I've changed, but yet still remained the same.

The same in the sense that I'm still alone in this journey of life. A time will come when I'll find the one right for me, and until that day comes, I'll have to be content with going though this journey alone.

Peace & Pie

Annie~

Commitment

Oh my, It certainly has been quite a while since I've written to you all! Too much time has past since my last entry, almost a year to be exact. I do apologize for the lack of postings, and from now on, I'll try my best to keep up.

Anyway, enough with all that, lets get on with today's topic.
What I would like to write about is commitment and my lack there of.

All my life I haven't been the most committed or ambitious person around, and I can only assume that this is one of the reasons as to why I'm still single today. The only person I can ever truly blame in this situation is myself. I never sought after a solution to my problems, and only became more complacent in my current day to day life. 

The truth is, I'm all but complacent. I would like nothing more than to change that aspect of my life. But I lack the motivation and drive to do so. I feel as if I don't have anything to strive for, no expectation to meet, and no goal to reach for at the end of the finish line.

Another problem that I face on a daily basis, is the fact that I'm overwhelmingly selfish in terms of my free time. I enjoy solitude in the sense that I can be locked up in my room for days, without a thought to the outside world. If I was to be in a relationship, how would I be able to overcome this? It's hard enough making time for my friends, let alone a boyfriend.

Which often leads me to wonder to myself, would it be possible to live a fulfilling life being the sort of person that I am today? Would I be able to come to accept the fact, that if my choices lead me to a life of solitude and loneliness, could I ever truly be happy? Just me, myself and I? 

While I do enjoy loneliness in a sense, I don't think I could build a meaningful life around it. Life is meant to be shared with those you choose to let in, and share with. Good times, bad times, and everything else in between. I have those people who I've let in, and yet, I can't shake the feeling that something else is missing. 

I think that a vital part of living, is to experience the unconditional love that comes along with life. You get your first taste of what it's like to be loved when you're younger, but as you grow, something changes inside your heart, and you feel the need to find love in others. 

As much as I fear it, I need to change. I need to find my motivation just as much as I need to be committed, even if it's just for me.

Until next time, 

Peace & Pie.

Annie~

Lesbianism.

Seriously considering it at this point.

I mean honestly, how hard is it to find a decent man in this day and age? The vast majority of men I've come across lately are only interested in a 'No strings attached' relationship. 

I'm sorry.

But what happened to the days where men and women used to date? 

Have I missed the boat on that one?

Ugh!

No peace, No pie.

Just get out.

Bye.

Crush(ed)

I've been thinking about a lot of things as of late. I've been thinking about how much of a waste these past couple of months have been, on my part. I've been thinking that I shouldn't invest any more time and thought into what could have been. But then again, I feel that I'm delusional to even suggest that there was something there to begin with. I have a tendency, like most girls, to over analyse every word, look, smile and touch. Every social interaction. It must mean something, right?

Wrong.

I think about you more often then I'd like to admit. I think about your eyes, your smile, your voice. The way you walk, the way you talk. Your overzealous personality. That fire you have, burning deep down inside of you. I also think of the poor, weak creature you are sometimes. Your insecurities, your downfalls, and your bad habits. How you're not as strong of a person you make yourself out to be.

I often think about how I would just like a chance to get to know you better. I would like to hear more about your life up until now. The stories that you've shared with me so far, have given me a good insight as to the person you are, and the person you wanted to be. I know you probably don't think much about me. And to be honest, you don't know very much about me either. I guess you've never been inclined to ask, and that's fine. My life probably isn't the most exciting thing to talk about. A naive, sheltered girl such as myself wouldn't have too many interesting stories to tell.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget. Forget all the pain and suffering I've needlessly put myself though. The long nights of lament. The questions I'm too afraid to find answers for. 'Does he like me? Will he realize how I feel? And what if he does? What am I to do after that? What if he doesn't feel the same?' I wish I had the courage, and the confidence to say the things I want to say. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel, just to get it out there. But I'm afraid. Afraid of  the hurt and rejection that lies around the corner. Like an old, unwanted friend waiting to waltz back into my life.

I want to forget. 

I was a much happier person not having of met you before I did.


I hope this doesn't come off as creepy in any way possible. It just felt good to put my thoughts and feelings down where nobody will really see it. If you do happen to find it, I'm sorry.

Nothing to say.

What's there to say, when you've said it all?

This probably means nothing now, but

I'm sorry. 

Shit got real, and I got scared. 

I guess now I'll just be someone you used to know. 

A year in review

As this year comes to a close, I would like to take this time to reflect and share with you all my experiences in 2011.

- January 2011 -

My year started with a gurgle, a burp and a burn that I couldn't quite explain. It started with a sense of dread and extreme nausea that wouldn't seem to pass. I couldn't bring myself to eat even the tiniest morsel of food even if the hunger in my belly was too much to bare. The sight of food was just simply revolting. I went a solid week without eating anything before I realized what was wrong with me. I had an extreme case of GERD brought on by excessive pop consumption. I vowed to to never drink pop again. A close family friend and a respected member of our community also passed away this month. RIP Joanne. We miss you every day!

I also started my GED classes this month.

-February 2011 -

One month into dealing with GERD. One month Pop free. Starting to feel a bit better, but not enough to have a healthy appetite. Nausea still plagued me. GED classes are going well. We celebrated my brothers 28th birthday.

-March 2011 -

Feeling back to my old self again. Dropped 60 pounds in the course of 3 months. Finally able to eat an entire meal with no fear of GERD symptoms. GED classes end. Went to take my test. Awaiting results. We also had a baby shower for Jaime and Little Alexa who has yet to greet us with her presence.

-April 2011 -

GED Results come back. Passed 4/5 classes with flying colours. Failed my math by one point. Are you freaking kidding me? Went to Burnt Church to do the retake. Stayed in a sleezy motel that was infested with ants. Had a blast.

-May 2011 -

Finally the day has come to meet our little bundle of joy. Little Alexa comes into the world. Went to a mothers day social with my mom, my sister and myself. It was great. Bonus, the weathers starting to get warmer, and there's no sign of snow!

- June 2011 -

Marks the 30th anniversary of the day our reserve was raided. I also Reconnected with the one person who meant the world to me. My dear friend Barry. We had a heart filled conversation, and cried my eyes out over the phone. Definitely the highlight of my year. The very next day I was kicked out of my house. Moved in with my sister.

- July 2011 -

Moved back home and made amens with my mom. Got hired at Metallics, and showed up late on my very first day. Also, this month marks the 50th anniversary of the J.C Vanhornne bridge. Also, Canada day!

- August 2011 -

Pow-wow time in Listuguj. Unfortunately due to my work schedule, I wasn't able to enjoy it fully.

- September 2011 -

My Nephew started Nursery! He also celebrated his 4th birthday. The weathers still warm, and tried to enjoy what was left of summer.

- October 2011 -

My Birthday. I turned 23 this year which made a real impact on my life. I realized that I'm getting older, and that I need to start getting my life in gear. I also became more active on my blog this month. My dad turned 55 this month!

- November 2011 -

My sister celebrated her 24th birthday this month. I've been working at metallics for 4 long months. Ate a lot of junk food, gained a lot of weight. 60 pounds to be exact. Woe is definitely me.

- December 2011 -

By far the most stressful month of them all. Christmas had me spent mentally and physically. My Mom celebrated her 50th birthday. A half a century!!

So, i guess that's my year in review. A lot of fun and exciting things happened in 2011. So many things that I'm thankful for. I hope 2012 will be just as good.

See you all in the new year!

Until next time, Peace and pie everyone!

~Annie